When It All Happens At Once

I was home alone this morning when Aspen (3) went into the restroom to poop at the same time as the cat scratched at the front door.

He wanted in the garage, but the dog was in the kitchen, and Aspen was going to need her butt wiped soon. I carried the cat through the house quickly, assuming the dog wouldn’t get worked up if I held him.

Turns out the dog can jump higher than I expected, and almost bit the cat. I held the cat over my head. He hissed and freaked out and clawed my arms.

I yelled at the dog to knock it off.

Somehow that got the dog all nervous, or something, so he sprawled out on his back and shot a shower of pee on the carpet, linoleum, and myself.

It was then that Aspen cried “I pooped!” from the restroom. Which basically translates to “come wipe my butt!”

There was a level of timing here. If I didn’t get to Aspen soon, she’d do something stupid with her own poop. Perhaps wipe it on the walls like some sort of Poop Picasso, or drag it across her face like war paint.

I put the cat in the garage, and left the dog peeing on the floor, so I could go handle Aspen.

I was bleeding and splashed with dog pee, as Aspen sat on the toilet, head down, hugging my leg, so I could see the business end of her butt.

I got Aspen settled. Then I tended to the mess in the kitchen. All of it before I cleaned myself and tended to my wounds, because that’s what parents do.

The whole time the dog looked at me like I owed him and apology, which I DON’T! (See picture below)

Sometimes the timing is bad. Sometimes all hell breaks loose.

This was one of those times.

Perhaps it’s the heat of the moment, but if anyone in my family asks for another pet I’m moving out.

If anyone needs me I’ll be soaking my body in bleach.


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