What A Trip To Disneyland REALLY Looks Like

We spent three days in Disneyland with three children under 11. Here are a few thoughts/ highlights from the trip.

Connecting flights with three children is comparable to competing in an iron man.

Flight attendant gave 3yo half cup of juice, and the kid handled it like a drunk woman in heels stumbling on a dance floor with a martini. 

Stopped in candy store on Disneyland Main Street. Left having spent $500 bazillion on 1\4 lb. of salt water taffy and small bag of cotton candy shaped like a mouse.

Placed 3yo on leash backpack because she was acting like a wild honey badger and we received a million dirty looks for keeping her alive.

3yo tried to take a dive off the Dumbo ride. Leash stopped her (I don’t like to say I told you so, but…)

Spent yearly salary on churros and children began to actually sweat cinnamon and sugar.

Developed growing suspicion that Disneyland churros contain nicotine.

Rode Pirates of the Caribbean with 8yo and she called me her protector. Heart melted.

Hauled 3yo out of Sleeping Beauty’s castle sideways like a kicking and screaming surfboard and it became the background of a million selfies.

Spent two days eating junk and spinning on rides. 8yo threw up popcorn and churros in the night, and for some reason we were genuinely shocked as to why it happened.

3yo hung on every fence and guide rail. Considering how much we payed for the vacation we could’ve easily put a guide rail in our home. She’d have been just as happy and we could have increased the value of our home.

Pretended to rip out 10yo’s still beating heart while waiting in line for the Indiana Jones Adventure ride, and he punched me in the balls. People laughed. I probably deserved it.

10yo discovered collectible Disneyland pins, so I cashed out my retirement fund to afford his new hobby.

3yo peed in all 13 pairs of underwear. Hotel didn’t have washing machines, so we washed them in the hotel sink with shampoo and hung them around the room to dry like we were a bunch of hillbillies.

Went to the hotel pool and the 3yo informed me that it was the best part of the trip, as if all this Disneyland stuff was runner up to 5 feet of cold half-chlorine and half-pee water.

8yo cried because the hotel water tasted funny.

3yo peed her pants while waiting 45 minutes to meet Minnie Mouse, but we didn’t want to loose our spot in line, so we changed her underwear right then and there. Then she peed again, so we said to hell with it and sat that squishy little girl on Minnie’s lap and called it a day.

Discovered I can wear a rain poncho on Splash Mountain and my life began!

Three days in and Disneyland food finally began to taste good.

Entire family increases two cup sizes after three days of bing eating caramel popcorn.

Woke up before God created the earth to catch flight home.

Turns out Disneyland withdrawals happen anywhere, even at 39k feet.

Shared all memories on Facebook.

Swore up and down that we were Disneyland-out, but feel confident that this will all happen again and again and again until we are broke or dead.

It’s a small world after all.

God bless America

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