CRIMES COMMITTED BY MY TODDLER

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Let’s face it… toddlers are criminals. People say they get away with all the crap they pull because they are cute, and far too young to be tried as adults. But were this not the case my toddler would have been locked up long ago. She’s a little deviant. Here are a few examples.

 

  1. Broke iPad by beating it with a kaleidoscope.

 

  1. Threw mother-in-law’s iPhone into toilet.

 

  1. Ruined parents sex life.

 

  1. Hid Dad’s debit card in VCR (Yes. We still have a VCR. Let’s move on).

 

  1. Spilled water on new MacBook and then laughed.

 

  1. Stained multiple outfits with poop, many of which were not hers.

 

  1. Broke Dad’s glasses with toy saw then tried to hide evidence in pantry.

 

  1. Pulled older sister’s hair, and when asked to apologize, she got close, almost said she was sorry, and then poked older sister in the eye. Then laughed at her.

 

  1. Ate poop.

 

  1. Popped large silver princess birthday balloons and then laughed at crying birthday girl.

 

  1. Pooped in tub while bathing with siblings.

 

  1. Woke family every night for two years. Pretty sure this qualifies as harassment.

 

  1. Only ate food when it’s on Mom’s plate making her irritated and hungry. Never a good combo.

 

  1. Punched Dad in the crotch.

 

  1. Took pants off at church.

 

  1. Threw shoes at older brother while he was sleeping.

 

  1. Harassed the cat.

 

  1. Harassed the driver.

 

  1. Shoved Silly Putty between couch cushions.

 

  1. All. The. Time.

 

  1. Insisted on snuggles even when parents were ready to crack.

 

 

This is not a complete list of crimes committed by my toddler. Sadly, many of the crap she pulls goes unnoticed because it has become as normal as a bad smell in the room… which she often produces. But these are at least enough to help you understand what I’m dealing with.

 

 

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