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Getting my children ready for bed is never a shining moment. I ask a lot of questions. Questions that I’d never asked another person until I had children. Questions that are very obvious, but not to my children. And questions that really should be statements, but I phrase them differently so I can give my children the chance to defend themselves. Here are a few examples.


  1. Why are you naked?


  1. Every night you screw around in the bathroom for 45 minutes, claiming to be pooping. But why is there never any poop?


  1. You waited until now to tell me about your project? Do you see my eyes? These are my angry eyes!


  1. Why is it that every time I approached you with the comb you act like it’s a chainsaw?


  1. Did you forget that drinking three glasses of water makes you wet the bed? Wait… you did that on purpose!


  1. Why did I teach you how to give your brother a wedgy?


  1. Have you thought about eating enough at dinnertime?  Then you wouldn’t be hungry right now. No. Of course you haven’t. I’m such a bitch.


  1. Why is it that every time I send you to the bathroom to brush your teeth you reenact a scene from the titanic?


  1. Did you know there are laws against what you’re doing right now? If you and your sister are going to wrestle, please put some clothes on.


  1. If you don’t go to bed right now I’m going to die. Do you want daddy to die?


  1. I don’t know where Bun-Bun is and I don’t care. It’s two hours past your bedtime. If you don’t go to bed right now I’m going to find Bun-Bun and light him on fire. How does that make you feel?


  1. Why are you walking so slowly? Is it because you hate me?


  1. I gave you three binkies 10 minutes ago. Now they are all gone. ALL GONE. What did you do with them?


  1. I love you, honey, but it’s after 10 p.m. Why would I want to see you do a cartwheel?


  1. Did you know that the only reason you are alive right now is because you are so cute?


What are some of the crazy questions you ask your children while getting them ready for bed?





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