I have a toddler. She’s almost two, and third in a glorious line of children who were once toddlers. And I am going to be honest… toddlers are the worst roommates ever. Aspen owes me a few apologies that I will most likely never get. But if she did suddenly realize how big of a turd she’s been over the past year or so, and decided to ask for forgiveness, this is what I’d love to hear.
- I’m sorry for taking three bites of three apples and then hiding them under the rocking chair. That was really rude, and really strange, and showed a serious lack of respect for our grocery budget. I hope you will still help pay my college tuition.
- Last month, when I pooped while we were both in the tub, and then, while you cleaned up my mess, I got interested in the plunger and decided to stick the business end in my mouth… that was too far. It must have been really frustrating for you to be nude and handling a turd and then suddenly shift gears and wrestle me away from the plunger. I’m sorry. I’m going to start using the toilet. Tomorrow. I promise.
- Remember when I poured water on Mom’s new MacBook and then laughed about it? That was probably the most asshole thing I’ve ever done. And it cost you a bundle. I just thought water belonged there, but I was wrong. I hope you can forgive me.
- Sometimes I wipe my boogers on your suit coat. I now realize how wrong that is because it makes you look like a slob. I’m sorry. I am going to start using a tissue.
- I promise to never, ever, take my pants off in public ever again. I’m so embarrassing.
- Next time you sit on the sofa I promise not to stomp on your crotch. Sometimes I just get so excited. This is probably why I don’t have a younger sibling. I am sorry for not thinking more about where I place my feet.
- Remember that one time I threw your wallet in the garbage can? That seemed like a funny idea at the time, but it was wrong. I owe you a drink… or something.
- I can’t believe I kept you up ALL night because I couldn’t get comfortable. Wow! That was so rude. And then you had to go to work, and Mom went to school, while I slept ALL day. Then I did it the next night. And the night after that. I’m a jerk. Please accept my apology.
- Well… that time I broke your glasses with a toy saw and you couldn’t get replacements for over a week, and Mom had to drive you everywhere. That was a HUGE inconvenience. I got a little carried away. I’ll never do that again. Please forgive me.
- I don’t know if I can stop flooding my pants with poop, it just kind’a happens. But what I can do is start being a little more cooperative when you change my butt. No more crying and wiggling and trying to eat it. I’m done with all that, and I’m sorry about the past. Let’s move forward and work together!
- I promise to never shove your face when you try to hug me. I love you, Dad.
What are some of the things you’d like your toddler to apologize for?