10 examples of why I’m the empty threat master

As a parent of three, I make a lot of crazy threats to get
my kids to do things. Most of them are completely implausible and empty and it’s
just a matter of time before my young children find out. Here are a few
Threat: If you don’t go to bed now… there will be… serious consequences.
Reality: I’ve got nothing. I have used up all my threats and
now I am using big empty words as a fear tactic.
Threat: If you don’t come right now I’m leaving you. I hope
they feed you.
Reality: This isn’t the 80s. Leaving my child at Target
would get me arrested and have me trending on Facebook.
Threat: Get your shoes on now or we are not going to the
Reality: If we don’t go to the store, I will not have any
more diet soda. I need to keep from snapping, parking my minivan, and wandering
into the woods.
Threat: Pack you’re your lunch now or you will be eating
school lunch.
Reality: School lunch gives you diarrhea. That always ends
Threat: If you don’t get in the tub right now I’m sending
you to bed.
Reality: Now I’ve created the stinky kid.
Threat: Get cleaning the living room or you will lose
screens for the rest of the week.
Reality: Now I’ve taken away the one thing that keeps the
kids distracted long enough for me to wash the dishes. Good call dipshit.
Threat: Pick up your toys or I’m throwing them all away!
Reality: Now I get to buy new toys.
Threat: Do your homework or I’m canceling your birthday
Reality: The cake, invitations, and presents have been paid
for. I might as well blow a wad of cash out my ass.
Threat: If you don’t stop that then you will not be going to
Jason’s birthday party.
Reality: There is no way I’m giving up two hours of free babysitting.
Threat: Better knock it off or I’m going to tell Ms. Kay.
Reality: That sounds like a great way to make us both look
like dumb-asses.
Threat: Stop screaming or I’m going to stop the van and
leave you on the side of the road.
Reality: That’s illegal.
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Clint Edwards was blessed with a
charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky
little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father
left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and
husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good
Morning America
, The New York Times,
Washington Post
, The
Huffington Post
, Scary
, The Good
Men Project
, Fast
, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and


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