7 Conversations about our kids that have tested our marriage

Mel and I talk a lot about our kids. We have three of them ranging
in age from 9-months to 7-years-old. Regularly one of us comments on our
children’s strange behavior or habits, and the other winds up trying to explain
why this action is normal because they did something similar as a child. Basically…
we are trying to be genetics experts. “She get’s that from me,” is a common
phrase. The only problem here is, we wind up admitting to some really strange
stuff in an attempt explain a gross or odd action so that our children don’t
seem so weird. Which in turn just dusts off some strange childhood thing that
should be left in the dark, but ends up coming to the surface and bringing up
questions as to whether the person we are married to is actually crazy or disgusting.
Here are a few examples. Names have been removed to protect
the innocent.
“The kid only flushes the toilet half the time. Really
irritating.”
“When I was his age the sound of the toilet really scared
me. I even crapped my pants in third grade because the school toilets were too
scary. Let’s keep this between us.”
“He keeps having nightmares. I never had nightmares that
young.”
“I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. I crawled in
bed with my mother most nights until I was teen. After watching Fire In The Sky,
I was seriously afraid that aliens were going to take me in the night and probe
my anus… I’ve said too much.”
“Why is she always picking at her butt?”
“I don’t think she wipes good enough. I had that same
problem as a kid. Toilet paper kind of freaked me out, so I tried not to use
it. I still don’t really like the stuff.”
“His handwriting is horrible. I can’t even read it.”
“I used to write really sloppy so that people wouldn’t know
I was a bad speller. Sometimes I still do it. Let’s not talk about it.”
“Ugh… why won’t he just change his underwear?”
“Changing underwear is lame. I didn’t like doing it as a
child. I still don’t… Stop looking at me like that.”
“We need to work on getting the kids to stop talking about
farts.”
“Why? At their age, farts are serious comedy. I loved
talking about farts. It’s normal.”
“You still talk about farts.”
“Farts are funny.”
“Farts are gross. You are a prime example of why we need to
nip this in the bud right now.”
“Why are they both so fascinated with the baby’s poop?”
“Poop is fascinating. I spent a lot of time as a child
playing with poop. You didn’t want to know that… did you?”

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a
charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky
little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father
left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and
husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good
Morning America
, The New York Times,
The
Washington Post
, The
Huffington Post
, Scary
Mommy
, The Good
Men Project
, Fast
Company
, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and
Twitter.  

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