14 Crazy things said while up in the night with a baby


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I have an 8-month-old who used to be an amazing sleeper
until she got a cold last month. I’m not sure what happened, but suddenly her
sleep cycle is all messed up and now I can’t remember when one day begins and
another ends. Being sleep deprived has caused me to say some crazy things to my
baby. I hope she will forgive me.
Here are a few examples.
Don’t touch my face. I’ve been up with you for
over an hour. We’re not friends.
I’m changing your poopy butt. I should be
Stop flapping your arms you crazy-ass bird baby.
This is why daddy wants to drive into the ocean.
Ugh… don’t forget about this when you’re a
Do you see anyone else laughing? It’s like
you’re on drugs. I want some drugs…
Normal people don’t rub boogers on their face.
You’re the worst roommate ever.
You were asleep!! You were asleep!! You! Were!
You’re diaper smells like apricots. What the
hell is going on?
10. This
is why you don’t have any friends.
11. I
cuddle with you, and you push me away. I set you down, and you cry. You’re as
confusing as your mother.
12. Just
tell me what you want! Not everything is a secret.
13. Stop
being cute. No one is cute right now. Go the f*%k to sleep.
14. Why
are you smiling? Now I’m smiling. I hate that we are smiling.
What are some of the crazy things you’ve said to your baby
when up in the night?

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a
charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky
little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father
left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and
husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good
Morning America
, The New York Times,
Washington Post
, The
Huffington Post
, Scary
, The Good
Men Project
, Fast
, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and
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Showing 4 comments
  • Denise Villarreal

    If you don't behave right now, I'm going to tie you by your toes to the ceiling fan and turn it on full blast!

  • TashaB

    Well, aren't you just the little piss ant? Go to sleep.

  • Audrey Casuse

    i woke up in the middle of the night once to go to the bathroom, My husband went to tend to our lil 9 mo old, I remember him saying.. "Stop smiling, this is not funny. Get a job stinky butt."

  • Tiffany Cleveland

    "You were JUST asleep. Stop spitting out your binky."

    "Did you just wake yourself up with hiccups? SERIOUSLY?!"

    "… it's 5 a.m. Why do you hate America?"