Embarrassing Stories I Plan To Tell My Daughter’s Fiancé

 

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Every time I post a story about Norah, my five-year-old,
someone always writes this in the comments: “This will be a great story to tell
her future husband!” There seems to be a long American tradition of parents
telling a child’s potential suitor a collection of embarrassing anecdotes about
their child. I think there are three overall goals being accomplished here:
A.    
Embarrassment: Let’s admit it… embarrassing a
grown child sounds like a lot of fun.
B.    
Revenge: I don’t know about your kids, but my
kids have been embarrassing me for years. This sounds like an awesome
opportunity to get back at Norah for all the times she walked into the living
room naked when we had guests.
C.    
Characterization: There will be a time when
Norah’s future partner will know her better than anyone else. But that won’t be
until after years of marriage. Before the wedding, I will know her best, and
telling a potential suitor all the gritty details of Norah’s childhood sounds
like a great way to let this person know what they are about to get themselves
into. It also might scare them off, which sounds awesome if I think the person
is an a-hole. 
One of Norah’s favorite jokes is to stick her face next to
someone’s butt, take a sniff, and say, “Your farts smell like Pop tarts.”
Norah refused to wipe her own butt until the age of… (Still
working on that one).
I once caught Norah and her older brother having a sword
fight. Norah was wielding a rubber ducky and Tristan was wielding his penis.
Norah was essentially a nudist between the ages of 2 to… (Still
working on that one, also).
One time Norah walked into my bedroom wearing nothing but a
Hello Kitty blanket wrapped around her neck like a cape. Then she started
singing this song: “I wear my penis outside my clothes… la la la… and show it
to every one… la la la.”
When Norah was four, she threw a huge fit at a gas station
because I wouldn’t buy her a condom from a bathroom vending machine. Her
argument, “I just wanted one balloon!”
Norah never seems to know what she wants, and once I figure
out what she wants, she doesn’t want it anymore. (I know this isn’t an
anecdote, but it seems like something a future partner really should know.)
Norah’s first crush was on a boy who, most days, wore a Link
costume.
Once I got really frustrated with Norah, I can’t recall what
for, and put her in her room. Once I went in to check on her, she gave me a the
sweetest hug and said, “I’m sorwy daddy. I love you.” My heart melted and I
ended up giving her a cookie. Long story short, the girl has powers.
What are some of the things you plan to tell your child’s fiancé?

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a
charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky
little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father
left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and
husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good
Morning America
, The New York Times,
The
Washington Post
, The
Huffington Post
, Scary
Mommy
, The Good
Men Project
, Fast
Company
, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and
Twitter

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Comments
  • Lisa

    I lived in fear of stories from my childhood being told by my family to my fiance, so I told him all of them first, stealing their thunder. In light of such pain and initial embarrassment, I have absolutely no plans to inflict the same on my children's intendeds. My husband, on the other hand, has other plans.