Thoughts I’ve Had While Getting My Kids Ready For Bed

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Over the years, getting the kids to bed has become my
nightly duty. That is, if I’m not stuck at work or something. After being at
work all day, getting the kids to bed really is the only quality time I have
with my children. As much as I enjoy it, I have realized, though, that I go
through a series of emotions while getting the kids to bed. They range between
frustration, love, madness, accomplishment, and hope. Below are a few of the
thoughts I’ve had while trying to get my kids ready for bed. 
It’s bath time. Why are you not naked?
You need to take your socks off before you get in the bath.
I want to get mad about this, but I do it all the time.
How hard is it to use the potty before you get in the tub? If
you were taking a shower, I’d just tell you to let it happen… like I do. There
is something wrong with me.
You just hit your brother’s penis with a rubber ducky.
Really? Is there something wrong with you?
Why did you laugh when your sister hit you in the crotch
with a rubber ducky? My children are future sexual deviants.
You look adorable with a bubble beard.
Why are you still naked? Why!? You’ve been out of the tub
for 20 Minutes. Is this a trend… or something? Why are you bending over while
naked? No one want’s to see that. Will you ever put clothes on your body again?
Am I going to catch you one day in a trench coat and tube socks hanging out in
Central Park?
Ugh! Combing your hair is such a joke. I didn’t pull that
hard. If you don’t stop running away I’m going to shave you bald. (I may have
actually said this one.)
They don’t eat dinner, and I give them a snack at bedtime.
Father fail. I’m so tired. I’m so hungry. Once they are asleep I’m going to eat
a sleeve of Oreos.
You brushed your teeth for what…10 seconds? Your teeth are
going to rot out of your head, and I don’t even care right now. I just want to
go to bed.
Riding me like an elephant to your room really hurts my
back. But it’s adorable, so I will do it. Obviously I’m your bitch.
If I have to read “The Day The Crayons Quit” one more time,
I’m going to light the book on fire.
It is very difficult to stay awake with both of you
snuggling against me. Really feeling the love right now.
What you are doing is really cute, so I will allow you to
stay up longer. Once again, I’m your bitch.
Go! To! Sleep!
And I’m surching the house for Bun Bun. Really sick of
looking for this thing. I’m going to ask Mel to make Bun Bun disappear. I sound
like a mob boss. I just want to go to sleep. I wish someone would make me
disappear.
Both kids are sleeping, and it’s not quite 10 p.m. There
still might be time for sex.
What thoughts do you have while getting your kids ready for
bed?

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife,
a video game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play
dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood,
he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His
essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in New York Times, The Washington Post, The
Huffington Post
, Scary
Mommy
, The Good Men Project, and elsewhere. He lives in
Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter. 

Photo by Lucinda Higley

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Showing 4 comments
  • ShopGirl

    Its 11:45 and I put them to bed at 9:00, why are they still awake?! Oh yeah, same reason I'm still awake. I'm a total night owl and I made two little baby night owls…oops my bad.

    • Clint

      Ha! I feel the same way about getting up in the night. Why do my kids wake up a million times in the night? Because I wake up a million times in the night.

  • The Mean Mama

    Direct quote from hubby during bath time… "Son, if I bring you some real bath toys will you leave your penis alone?"

    15 minutes after bath time (I was putting baby to bed) toddler yells across the house,
    "MAMA!!! get me some chonies!!!"
    I found him on the floor, in front of his dresser… must be so tough to stand up and open a drawer.

    • Clint

      Ha!