Crazy Things Said While Shopping With Kids

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Photo by  Jaro Larnos

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I don’t know what it is about shopping with kids, but it really brings out the crazy. I often think of people listening to Mel and me trying to keep Tristan (age 7) and Norah (age 4) from breaking something random off a grocery store shelf, or peeking in on another person changing at a department store, and wonder if they are stepping away to call the police. I worry a lot about what other parents think, and I don’t want to be that couple in the store with crazy, uncontrollable kids. But all too often, we are that couple. I think everyone with small kids ends up being that couple at one time or another. To avoid looking that way, while trying to keep my kids safe, we end up sounding like crazy people. It’s a real catch 22.
Below is a list of a few crazy things said while shopping with kids. Names have been removed to protect the innocent.
No! That is glass! Put it down. You are going break it, and then you will cut yourself and bleed to death. Is that you want, to bleed to death? Because it’s about to happen.
Really? Why did you peek in on that guy? He’s changing. And he’s like 70. That’s like peeking in on grandpa. That’s old man naked. That’s the worst kind of naked.
Stop hanging from the front of the cart. You are going to get hurt. If you do that one more time, I am throwing you under it! Then you will understand.
Come out from under that shelf! Now. That’s where the troll lives. I’m telling you this for your own safety!
If you don’t stop hitting your sister, I swear, I am going to glue your hands in your pockets. It will be a mess, and it will be all your fault. Not mine.
This cart is an island. You have to keep one hand on it at all times, or you will fall into the ocean and drown. Or get eaten by sharks. Hold on to the cart, or pick your poison.
Now listen carefully. We are in a Wal-Mart parking lot. You need to hold my hand. This is the deadliest place on earth. These people drive like lunatics.
No! I’m not buying you that. What makes you think I would buy you that? It’s not even for you. It’s for the elderly. It won’t fit you for a good 60 years, so stop crying.
Don’t tell me to calm down! It was your job to watch Tristan! Your job. Now he’s missing because you were messing around with your phone! Now he’s probably half way to Mexico with some pervert because you were so worried about sending your stupid friend some stupid cat photo. I hate your stupid phone!
You really scared me! If you ever run off like that again, I swear, I will just leave you to live in the store. I hope they feed you. I hope you have a good life, because I’m not going through that again.
What are some of the crazy things you’ve said while shopping with kids?

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter. 
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Showing 8 comments
  • Rachel

    These are gold! I often call my son a big weirdo and get looks like I'm the worst parent! Ya gotta do what ya gotta do! Plus he is a weirdo! 🙂

  • myboysloveme

    Brilliant! I only have one kid so the chaos is more or less controlled when shopping but still i have used some of the above.

    • Clint

      Ha!

  • Lea Martin

    My children are 6 and 10 and since the oldest was just a toddler I have been threatening to trade them in for Chinchillas. I don't remember how it started but it has become an elaborate game and my children play along. I have gotten some really nasty looks from people who have heard me say this. The best was on a trip to the local grocery store last year. We had just moved to this town and we only have about 500 residents. My youngest was asking for candy for what felt like the hundredth time and I said, "That's it! If you ask me again I'm trading you in for chinchillas." Without missing a beat he looked at me and said, "Well, if you don't quit starving me you won't get as much for me."
    Yep, I thought the old lady in line behind us was going to have a coronary.

  • Brandi Owens

    I always tell my 7 year old "Did you notice those people on the corner when we pulled into the parking lot? Those are gypsies and if you don't straighten up I'm leaving you with them to work forever!"

  • Becca Leslie

    Hahaha some of these I would say. I actually told my son at one point "We are in Wal-Mart you can scream and cry and no one will care or think twice. So go to sleep cause we aren't leaving. If we were in target or fred meyer I would attend to you but we aren't we are in the ghetto. "

  • Unknown

    I call shopping with three boys ages 3,6, &7 "When the traveling circus comes to town." Finally I threatened to sell them to the nearest passing gypsies. They burst out laughing. The oldest one stopped long enough to say,"Ha! We know there's no such thing as gypsies." So we researched gypsies.