|Photo by Jaro Larnos|
I don’t know what it is about shopping with kids, but it really brings out the crazy. I often think of people listening to Mel and me trying to keep Tristan (age 7) and Norah (age 4) from breaking something random off a grocery store shelf, or peeking in on another person changing at a department store, and wonder if they are stepping away to call the police. I worry a lot about what other parents think, and I don’t want to be that couple in the store with crazy, uncontrollable kids. But all too often, we are that couple. I think everyone with small kids ends up being that couple at one time or another. To avoid looking that way, while trying to keep my kids safe, we end up sounding like crazy people. It’s a real catch 22.
Below is a list of a few crazy things said while shopping with kids. Names have been removed to protect the innocent.
No! That is glass! Put it down. You are going break it, and then you will cut yourself and bleed to death. Is that you want, to bleed to death? Because it’s about to happen.
Really? Why did you peek in on that guy? He’s changing. And he’s like 70. That’s like peeking in on grandpa. That’s old man naked. That’s the worst kind of naked.
Stop hanging from the front of the cart. You are going to get hurt. If you do that one more time, I am throwing you under it! Then you will understand.
Come out from under that shelf! Now. That’s where the troll lives. I’m telling you this for your own safety!
If you don’t stop hitting your sister, I swear, I am going to glue your hands in your pockets. It will be a mess, and it will be all your fault. Not mine.
This cart is an island. You have to keep one hand on it at all times, or you will fall into the ocean and drown. Or get eaten by sharks. Hold on to the cart, or pick your poison.
Now listen carefully. We are in a Wal-Mart parking lot. You need to hold my hand. This is the deadliest place on earth. These people drive like lunatics.
No! I’m not buying you that. What makes you think I would buy you that? It’s not even for you. It’s for the elderly. It won’t fit you for a good 60 years, so stop crying.
Don’t tell me to calm down! It was your job to watch Tristan! Your job. Now he’s missing because you were messing around with your phone! Now he’s probably half way to Mexico with some pervert because you were so worried about sending your stupid friend some stupid cat photo. I hate your stupid phone!
You really scared me! If you ever run off like that again, I swear, I will just leave you to live in the store. I hope they feed you. I hope you have a good life, because I’m not going through that again.
What are some of the crazy things you’ve said while shopping with kids?
Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo by Lucinda Higley