10 Things I Want My Daughters To Know About Marriage

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(Author Note: I know that views on marriage are changing.
This list is based on my own experience in a straight marriage because it’s all
I know. However, I have to assume that some of this advice is universal.)
Don’t let your
husband pressure you into sex:
Most likely your husband will want sex more
than you expect. Don’t let your husband pressure you into things you are not
comfortable with. Talk openly about sex with him. Discuss your expectations and
try hard to understand his. Although sex is important, be sure that you both
realize that sex is only one part of your marriage. It isn’t the whole
marriage.
Don’t lower your expectations
of your husband after marriage. Raise them:
After marriage, it’s easy to
get comfortable. I’ve never understood why this happens, because marriage is
the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s easy to let things slide after marriage.
To expect fewer dates, fewer flowers, fewer love letters. Don’t. In fact, expect
more and you will get it. And do the same FOR him. Once you have children,
those little trinkets of affection may be the only things that keep your
marriage above water.
Tell him what you
want as frankly, and plainly as possible:
I know this sounds cliché, but
men and women communicate differently. Most men speak plainly. They like the
obvious to be spelled out. Rather than hoping that he will pick up on your
hints, say things like, “Take me out more,” or “Don’t give me an answer, just
listen to me for a while because I need to vent,” or “I’m really frustrated
with the kids. It’s not you. Just let me be alone for a while and I will be
fine.”
Sometimes the house
will be a mess and it’s his fault, too:
When I say sometimes, I mean most
of the time. Especially after you have kids. He has as much of an obligation to
clean the house as you do, so tell him to stop bitching and do the laundry.
Sometimes it will
feel like he’s stomping on your feelings, when in fact he’s just wandering
blindly:
Your husband is going to forget to do things. A lot of things.
He’s going to say stupid things, too. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Realize that most likely his actions or statements were not malicious. He
didn’t intend to hurt you or not do something on purpose.
Don’t allow him to
tell you your place or define your aspirations:
When you get married, you
may want to be a stay-at-home mom. Five years into marriage, you my decide you
want to become a lawyer. Or perhaps when you get married you may be a lawyer,
and five years in you might decide you want to become a stay-at-home mom. Your
husband will most likely do something similar with his life goals. A successful
marriage is one where both partners expect and support positive change.
Your husband is your
partner, not your master:
Never forget that you are equals.
Expect him to change
with age (both physically and emotionally):
Most likely your husband will
get a little fatter over the years. He will grow more mature. He will go a
little grey and a little bald. You will change, too. But at the same time, he
will become different emotionally and intellectually. He will grow more mature.
So much of a successful marriage is accepting and understanding change within
your partner. As long as those changes are natural and positive, let them
happen.
Don’t be afraid to
frustrate your husband:
This is a good thing. Keep him on his toes. Questioning
his motivations and his sincerity will ultimately make him more self-aware of
his actions.
Expect him to get up
in the night with the kids:
If your kids take after you, you are going to
have some long nights. He will have a lot of excuses as to why he can’t get up.
He works in the morning, and he doesn’t want to be tired at work because it’s
going to make his job harder. You know what, you have to work, too. You might
have a job outside the house, or you might be a stay at home mom. It doesn’t
matter. You have shit to do, same as him, so expect him to help. Marriage is a
partnership. Never forget that.

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife,
a video game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play
dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood,
he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His
essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in New York Times, The Washington Post, The
Huffington Post
, Scary
Mommy
, The Good Men Project, and elsewhere. He lives in
Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter. 

Photo by Lucinda Higley

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Showing 2 comments
  • Stephanie

    Interesting article, but I feel like it's almost the same as your son one…. Pressure her into sex? I wish you'd define that, because a lot of women think that even if their husbands are merely turned on by the sight of them, or when they get in bed together, or when they go out on a date, that all these things mean they are being "pressured." LOL I feel sorry for husbands, because honestly, its usually women who treat their husbands badly in marriage – I've seen it way more often than men, its just become part of our feminized, anti-male culture. I write a lot about marriage and sex at http://www.girlwithadragonflytattoo.com different ideas than yours, but from an equal perspective.

    • bp

      It is very interesting that you say "its usually women who treat their husband badly in marriage." (By the way, the word 'its' is used incorrectly in that phrase – it should be the contraction 'it's.') I'd be interested in where that info was obtained. In my observations of friends, family and acquaintances I've seen both men and women treating their spouses poorly. It goes both ways – like many other things in life. It also makes sense to me that Cliff's advise to his son is similar to the advice given to his daughter since marriage is a partnership and each partner should extend the same courtesies and respect to the other.