Crazy Things Said While On Long Drives With Kids



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There is something
about long family trips that bring out the craziness in parents. Mel and I have
two kids (Tristan, 7, and Norah, 4). We have driven all over the Midwest, West,
and Pacific Northwest with our kids. After a 10 -15 hour drive we have often
laid awake in a hotel room discussing how our kids turn into little monsters
after a few hours on the road. But after reading this list, obviously we are
not the only ones that change during a long drive. Below are a few examples of
some of the crazy things Mel and I have said while on long drives. Names have
been removed to protect the innocent.
If you don’t stop asking, we are never going to McDonald’s
again. In fact, if you ask one more time to go to McDonald’s, I am going to gag
you and put you in the trunk.
We have exactly five minutes to use the restroom, get gas,
get lunch, and anything else. If you are not back at the car in five minutes,
then have a good life because we are leaving you.
I am driving. I cannot reach back there and help you scratch
your butt. I don’t care if it itches, I don’t want us all to die. Is that what
you want? For us all to die? And even if I could help you, your butt is your
problem, so handle it.
Wow! Did something die inside you? You are seven years old.
You shouldn’t be letting out a smell like that.
If you hadn’t drank all that soda, you could probably make
it seventeen miles to the next rest stop. I have no pity for you.
You’re wearing a Pull-Up. Just let it out. We aren’t
stopping again.
Yeah… that trucker has some crazy eyes. Don’t wave at him.
Don’t look at him at all. Just look at the floor.
I’m only letting you pick your nose in here because it’s a
rental. In our own car, you will use a tissue.
How did you lose your shoes? They couldn’t have left the
back seat. Why did you take them off in the first place? We still have six
hours to drive today, and now I have to spend 30 minutes looking for your
stupid shoes. You know what, if you don’t help me find your shoes, I’m never
buying you shoes again, and you will spend your life with sores all over your
feet because you won’t have shoes. Ugh… I hate your shoes!
Wow… Yeah… You know what, I’m not familiar with that word
written on the urinal wall. Nope… new one for me. Just finish up and don’t
worry about it.
Settle the argument or I swear I will let both of you out of
the car to fend for yourself. Really think about this. Anyone could pick you
up, even that trucker with the crazy eyes.
 Do you ever say crazy
things during long car rides?

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video
game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play
dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of
fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial
and error. His essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in New York Times Motherlode, Huffington Post Parents, Huffington Post Weddings, and The Good Men Project. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo by Lucinda Higley
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Showing 2 comments
  • Unknown

    I am crying…! I needed this! Have a kid in the hospital and making the journey two times a day-have 8 still at home. I REALLY NEEDED THIS READ. Thank you!

    • Clint

      You are very welcome!